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Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Letting go...again and again

~Wrote this a while back and forgot to post it...may have been a bit of denial...read on. :)

I frequently share my parenting philosophy of letting go with other moms. Talking about it helps me remember to practice it and I right now I really need to hone my practice.

I am facing another big letting go. It's one I thought I was prepared for and doing well with, but has recently rattled me quite a bit more than I expected.

Walkingstick has turned 14, somewhat daunting in itself, and will be going to high school in the fall. High School! We've been talking about this for a couple of years and quite a bit through the summer and fall. I have been very practical, discussing options, pros and cons, class offerings, etc. I asked about his worries and concerns, but realized recently that I have been conveniently avoiding my own.

This week we went to a freshman showcase night and the following morning walkingstick made a decision on which school he definitely wanted to attend. In that moment I began to feel anxiety and fear rising up from my core in a completely unexpected way. "Wait, this is really happening!!" my inner voice said. "Will he be safe? What if someone is mean to him? Is this really the right place for him?" were the questions blazing through my head. The same questions, I realize, that I worried over when finding a day care, a preschool, a kindergarten, an elementary, and a middle school.

Hmmmm...I think I see a pattern here. :)

As I make this connection, I am realizing it is okay to feel anxious, that's my cue that this is a bigger and important kind of letting go. I also acknowledge that I have been here before and each time we have found the right place or made changes when things went awry. Walkingstick has learned many lessons through these experiences and has become a strong advocate for himself in school. He stands up to rude behavior from peers, communicates well with his teachers, is an active and interested learner, and I can trust him.

That is what this boils down to...trust. Trusting that we have given and will continue to give him the supports he needs to be successful, that the school will provide what he needs, and that he will make good decisions. I won't put on blinders or rose colored glasses, which I have a tendency to do that at times as well. But will let go a little more, tune in a little closer, and try to be present in each moment as we take this next step in the adventure.

Namaste 

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