Laughing Yoga Mama

Saying Goodbye

2012-01-01T22:33:00.000-07:00

I've been rolling this post around in my head for the past twenty-six days, since my aunt died. Each day my thoughts have grown and developed and on some occasions caused floods of tears to crash over me.

My dear aunt, Marguerite Broyles, died on December 6, 2011. That hard fact crushes my heart every time I acknowledge it. Today the fact that we've started a new year and she isn't in seems unbelievably daunting.

On the other hand I'm am so grateful to have had a wonderful relationship with her and countless memories of joy and love. While her cancer was brutal, it provided an opportunity for me to spend more time with her over the last two and a half years than I would have otherwise. We did yoga and energy work, had pedicures, ate yummy lunches, read poetry, laughed, cried, and spent many hours exploring the meaning of it all. She was also able to get to know my boys even better and inspire and foster their own creativity.

In October we had a little send off party for her as she ended her cancer treatments and headed off to get the most out of the time she had left. Along with laughing, eating, wearing sparkly bracelets and bindis, we wrote her a note on sweet little scrolls my stellar shopper cousin discovered. It was hard to get started, knowing it might be the last thing I ever wrote to her.

I laughed at myself as I realized all the memories I was writing were about food...a giant (to my little girl eyes) wooden bowl full of cherries in her kitchen, summertime Coke Slurpies on the way to lake in the huge Pontiac Bonneville I would later drive as a teenager, crusty bread and chunk of Jarlsberg cheese, Christmas Eve shrimp (in my pre-vegetarian days), and biscuits and egg gravy on Christmas mornings, yum!

When just over a month later we realized she was in her last days, I was so fortunate (thanks Mom!) to be able to spend a few days with her holding her hand, chanting to her, giving her Jin Shin treatments and just being with her. I was also blessed to spend those days with my dear cousins, my other fabulous Aunt and Uncle, and playing princess and doing "crafts" with her darling granddaughter, Madi.

After returning home we decorated for Christmas and the many holiday gifts she had given us over the years flowed out of our storage boxes. My aunt was a gifted artist and had a knack for finding or creating fabulous holiday decorations of which I was so often the benefactor. It was lovely putting them out, honoring her gift with each placement.

The kicker came this weekend as I began taking down the decorations. It was as if I was saying goodbye with each item I packed away, a task for which I was not prepared. Talk about an opportunity to practice letting go!!

I'd been in an emotional fog for the past few weeks, having noticed Christmas Eve that it had lifted when I hadn't even really known it was there in the first place. I just knew I could only process a day or two at a time, so planning for holiday gatherings was a bit of a challenge.

The process of packing away each item, each little piece of her, allowed me to truly grieve and release so many of those tears that had been waiting around for me to notice them. I was both heartbroken and full of gratitude, knowing that each year all of those pieces of her will return to our home surrounding us in her light and beauty.

Now, as I walk around my house I continue to see her everywhere, in places I hadn't noticed in awhile. The little driftwood house on the mantel made from her beloved beach in Puerto Morales. The metal and rock person sitting above the desk from her scrounging through hardware store days. The quote on the bathroom wall - "Go in the direction of your dreams, the universe will support you." The countless beaded necklaces and bracelets she made me for my birthdays over the years. The art she made from a silly conversation with my boys this fall, "Peace, it's what's for dinner," and "Got Peace?" And finally the Colorado key chain she made in the 1980's that I touch and carry with me every day. Her diverse and boundless creative inspiration has decorated my life.

In the hospital one day during her battle with the ovarian cancer, that finally took her life but ironically gave me many wonderful hours with her, she asked me why everyone kept coming to see her. She was truly astonished that she meant so much to so many. I told her, "It's because you accept us all as we are, unconditionally."

She was that person for so many of us. The one whose face lights up when she sees you, has nothing but good things to say about you, is always interested in and excited about what you are doing, and who never doubts that your dreams can come true. She had her many flaws as all of us do, but she was perfectly herself and we couldn't ask for anything more. We all need that person in our lives who gives us the gift of loving us for our true authentic selves. I am honored and grateful and blessed to have had her as my adventurous, creative, smiling, laughing, dancing, singing, amazing aunt.

I am saying goodbye to her body, but not to her spirit. It lives on through her beautiful art and through each of us. May we pass that grace on to others in our lives, offering a shining light to them.

With gratitude and love, Namaste my dear Aunt Mag.

Little Bars of Bliss

2011-11-20T14:28:00.000-07:00

Stepped into Starbucks after my successful tv interview for my fav vanilla soy latte when to my unexpected delight a cranberry bliss bar practically levitated in the case calling my name. I love cranberry bliss bars!!!...but had no idea they were in season yet. Oh, the wonders of sweet, creamy, crunchy, white chocolately bliss bars. Yum!Love when the universe sneaks in those little wonders. Perfect moment of bliss indeed :)

Preventing Sexual Abuse

2011-11-18T14:28:00.001-07:00

Being the mom of two young boys and having previously been employed as a child protection caseworker on team specializing in cases of sexual abuse has led the prevention and reporting of sexual abuse to a hot button issue for me. Consequently, I, along with millions of others, was saddened and sickened by the news of the sexual abuse perpetrated at Penn State by a man claiming to be an advocate for at-risk children.

Fortunately, I had the opportunity to address this issue with 9News anchor TaRhonda Thomas and on the Mile High Mamas website yesterday. My hope is that this information will help parents, caregivers, and ordinary citizens become more vigilant about talking with, protecting, and standing up for children to provide a safer world for them. Click here to watch the clip and here to read the column.

Namaste

Foiling the Halloween Candy Frenzy

2011-11-04T12:12:00.000-06:00

I've been reflecting this week on the lack of frenzy happening around the boys' Halloween candy. I've decided that consistency in limit setting might be the key - either that or they've been taken over by aliens, but then I don't get to take any credit. ;)

Typically, on Halloween night the boys sort their loot, trade allergy for allergy free items, eat one piece and head off to bed with little to no fussing about wanting more. In the following days we let them have a piece in their lunch box and after school or dinner. After awhile the candy gets moved out of the way as we straighten up and decorate for the holidays and then we usually forget about most of it.

On the weekends they probably have another piece or two during the day and I've found evidence of sneaking on occasion, but for the most part they stick with the plan because we stick with the plan.

We don't say none and we don't say gorge yourself, we practice moderation. Not too much, not too little, just enough. We are usually pretty consistent, certainly not perfect, about this practice when it comes to treats and sweets throughout the year. Consequently, they know what to expect when the big sugar feast arrives in October.

My boys may read this when they are adults and have a completely different view of it than I do - "Mom was sooooo stingy with the candy, OMG!!" - but I hope the practice of moderation will be such a part of them that they will see it from the same perspective. However, if the aliens really have taken them over then I'll be in for quite a shock when they depart - unless I can train them as well. ;)

How do you handle the frenzy?

Namaste

Finding the Lessons Offered

2011-10-22T21:41:00.001-06:00

A teaching from Pema Chodron has been rumbling around in my head and conversations over the past few days. It says, to paraphrase, that if we are somewhere we think we don't want to be, there must be lessons there we haven't learned yet. This teaching helps me when I'm feeling stuck, but certainly frustrates me when I really want out, now!

It's been on my mind because I've been using it with walkingstick in regards to his soccer team. Walkingstick is a natural athlete who picks up new sports skills quite easily and invests a great deal of energy into learning the rules and skills of any sport he tries. He is also very competitive, strives to do his best, and wants to win. Having never played soccer before, we put him in a rec league thinking it would be a good place to learn some skills and have some fun. Perhaps it was a good idea, but not with this unfortunate team.

To put it bluntly, the team he plays on does not have a chance of winning any game, EVER! Thus, fun has been hard to come by for our very competitive boy. As I discussed the fiasco with my dear friend yesterday we decided this is a perfect storm of kids with limited abilities, even more limited investment in the game, and a coach who means well but can't seem to find the spark to unite and motivate this team.

On several occasions walkingstick has wanted to throw in the towel and quit the team - and I totally understand. He's frustrated on so many levels it would take a dozen blogs to cover them. I've empathized and strategized with him and given him space to vent. Then, I've guided him to find the lessons available to him in this difficult situation.

One of the most important lessons we've discovered is that he has to set aside his original goal of winning. By letting go of this expectation he is less frustrated when they continually lose...by huge amounts. It also gives him a little glimpse into noticing that there can be fun in the journey, not just the outcome.

He's shifted his focus to learning what he can from this coach, observing his opponents to find new skills, and enjoying the endless running - which is one of the things he loves most about soccer.

He's also learned that he can be compassionate towards kids who don't have his athletic ease and enjoy who they are rather than what they can do.

Pretty big lessons for an eleven-year-old.

When he looks back at this experience in the years to come I hope he will see his growth, perseverance, and courage in the face of adversity. It's not easy for any of us to hang in there when the going gets tough, but remembering that there is something to learn from every challenge can help to shift our perspective and bring optimism and openness to how we face it.

Take a moment to look at your own challenges...can you change your perspective and see what lessons you are being offered?

Namaste

Lightness into Darkness into Lightness

2011-09-15T22:16:00.002-06:00

I had the pleasure this evening of practicing yoga with and listening to the teachings of Yogi Amrit Desai, Gurudev. As he spoke I frequently thought of my boys and how I can live my life in way that will impart some of these teachings to them.

As Gurudev spoke this evening he reminded us that light wouldn't be light without darkness and vice versa. He noted that light and dark to not fight and resist at sunrise and sunset, they simple shift from one to the other.

Within ourselves we fight darkness, our fears and weaknesses, by judging, comparing, and belittling ourselves - fighting darkness with more darkness. Instead we need to release our fears and be in the darkness in order to let in the light through our breath and being present in our bodies fully accepting where we are without judgment. When we practice this on the mat, we can take it out into the world.

I find that we often fight against being where we are by wanting to have more, be different, feel better, etc. Gurudev taught tonight that the more we seek and grasp, the less we are connected to ourselves.

As they continue to grow and face the ups and downs of life, I hope to support my boys in being where they are as they are, trusting in themselves, listening to their inner voice, and staying connected with their true selves. The best way I can do this is to honor them where they are in each moment and to practice honoring myself as well. Easier said than done many days. :)

These teachings reminded me of the quote from the Buddha which has been in the forefront of my mind recently, "Hatred never ceases by hatred, but by love alone is healed. This is an ancient and eternal truth." To paraphrase this in the teachings of Gurudev tonight, darkness never ceases by darkness, but by light alone is healed.

Be where you are, accept the darkness and open to the light.
Namaste

Gifts of Hope

2011-09-11T21:43:00.000-06:00

I have been surprised by my reactions to this tenth anniversary of 9-11. Today I burst into tears looking at the picture of the three fireman hoisting the American flag at ground zero. I am amazed at how raw and overwhelming my emotions are...and I'm much farther removed from it than the people who lost loved ones or were part of the rescue efforts.

It has been important to me this week to talk with the boys about the events of that day. I wrote a column on how to do just that and had the opportunity to share that on CBS4 as well.

As we talked together as a family, I found it hard to convey more than just the facts. Walkingstick asked where I was that day. I told him my story and explained how unreal it all seemed. How it wasn't just that moment, but that it went on for days and weeks as we watched the news, heard the stories, and mourned as a nation.

Each time I tried to talk about my personal experience, my eyes welled up and I could hardly speak. I tried to maintain my composure as they both seemed unnerved by my grief at something they don't really understand. In order to keep moving forward, we do not always understand how deeply these events have affected us.

Then Gigglebox noted, having been born that following summer, that he was "a gift of hope" after 9-11. He was exactly that. Conceived shortly after the attacks, his presence changed our lives and brought hope in ways we could never have imagined. How does he know that at the age of nine? He truly amazes me.

Today I want to honor the courage, compassion, and generosity of the millions of people who were affected by the events of 9-11. Their responses are also gifts of hope that remind us of the inherent good in people and give us hope for the future.

Om, Shanti, Shanti, Shanti. We are all one, Peace, Peace, Peace.
Namaste

Perfect Moment Monday: Finding Bliss

2011-04-25T07:00:00.001-06:00

I've been reading Fire of Love which has beautiful direction for yoga teachers to add a deeper level into teaching. I have found it inspiring and added one aspect to my class Saturday morning with lovely results.

After our pranayama (breathwork) practice I asked my students to place the fingers of their right hand at their heart center and turn inward finding their inner smile. Once connected, I instructed them to allow the sense of joy to radiate through their chest and upward to their faces.

After a few breaths I peeked my eyes open and scanned the room. Every student had the most lovely, relaxed, blissful smile upon their face. Mine radiated even bigger, both inside and on my face, seeing how this small gesture brought peace and ananda (bliss) to my students with such ease.

Try it yourself ~ find your inner smile and little moment of bliss.

Namaste

Gratitude for the simple things

2011-04-10T21:23:00.000-06:00

After more than a week of being in the hospital my aunt is getting a bit tired of the cuisine. You can only eat so many servings of mashed potatoes and al dente does not seem to be an option in vegetables.

So, as I was heading for a visit this afternoon and stopped at Target to see what I could scrounge up. Bread and cheese are an absolute favorite of hers, so that's what I went for. The bread was not as crusty as I'd like and I had to settle for Havarti instead of Jarlsburg, but by the look on my aunt's face it definitely hit the spot. =)

We had lots of laughs and a lovely talk from the basics of medical issues to the meaning of life. Wonderful! If we had the time we could talk for days on end.

I came home to boys nearly ready for bed and tired husband. He'd made fabulous enchiladas which I promptly gobbled up. Walkingstick climbed behind me and sweetly rubbed my back and shoulders then we all read a chapter of the hilarious book we are reading - Another Whole Nother Story - and yes it's as absurd and delightful as it sounds.

The small comforts of life...good food and time spent together. So much to be grateful for.

Expectations

2011-04-09T13:45:00.000-06:00

(photo credit)

Expectations can get us into hot water quickly. When we expect someone to behave in a certain manner and they don't, we feel confused, disappointed, and often hurt. Even when the change in behavior is positive, the unexpected divergence from the norm can throw us off.

I begin each of my yoga classes with a moment of brushing away our worries and expectations. I began to wonder today what expectations my yoga students may hold onto, what ones I hold onto, and how this impacts our experiences. Each class I teach evolves on its own as I integrate ideas I bring with the needs expressed by my students. For me it is a lovely dance of balance, trust, and inspiration. I can only offer who I am, I have no control over (nor any desire to have) how anyone incorporates what I say and do into their lives.

There is a strange dichotomy in my life related to this. In yoga I simply offer the class for people to take whatever they need with no strings attached. But in my parenting and the trainings I offer as a school social worker, I expect my children and my staff to take away what I am specifically teaching them.

When I offer what I have without being attached to the outcome as in yoga, I feel at peace. When those offerings are made with attachment to the outcome, I so often feel frustrated and discouraged.

Hmmmmm...

Can I parent and teach in other realms as I do in yoga? Practicing aparigraha, non-attachment, non-clinging, allowing my children and staff to take what they need without being attached to the outcome. Honoring where they are rather than expecting them to be somewhere they are not. Allowing them to integrate the information as it makes sense for them.

I read weekly from Pema Chodron's Start Where You Are during mediation class and have just realized while writing this that I have compartmentalized the teaching of that title to my yoga life and forgotten to carry it into the rest of my life. Yoga is more than our time on the mat, it is how we live our lives united our minds and bodies, being present and honoring where we are and others are at any given moment.

So with gentleness and lovingkindness, as I always tell my students, I notice this. I will strive to keep it in the forefront of my perceptions, being more aware of my expectations and how they impact my interactions and reactions. May you as well.

Namaste

Perfect Moment Monday: Hospital Humor

2011-04-05T12:55:00.000-06:00

I took Walkingstick and Gigglebox to visit my aunt yesterday in the hospital as she recovers from brain surgery and continues her epic journey through ovarian cancer and its many incarnations in her body.

My aunt lit up upon seeing the boys and we all hugged and giggled together. We talked a little about the day and the next steps she was expecting. Then Walkingstick stepped up to the bed with a sly grin on his face. "A pan of muffins was in the oven," he began. "One muffin turned to the other and said, 'It sure is hot in here.' The other muffin turned and screamed, "Ahhh! A talking muffin!'"

We all busted up laughing at his silly eleven-year-old joke. His eyes twinkled with the thrill of making her, and the rest of us, laugh. Mine twinkled with the wonder of my sweet boy and his ability to bring joy and humor into this surreal and difficult situation.

His humor allowed us to be fully present in that moment. Not sick, worried, exhausted...just family loving and being there for each other in one perfect moment.

Facing Challenges

2011-04-02T21:06:00.000-06:00

It's amazing how we all handle the challenges life throws at us in different ways. For the most part I am constantly amazed at the strength and perseverence I am honored to witness from the people in my life.

My dear aunt was thrown another curve ball in her journey through ovarian cancer. Her doctors unexpectedly diagnosed her with three brain tumors and whooshed her off for brain surgery the next day. In the brief in between time she said to me, "I guess I have another lesson to learn." An unbelievably optimistic and courageous response in the face of such daunting news. I suggested neon signs were a more effective means of communicating what we need to learn, but the universe apparently thought otherwise.

The thing about her perspective is that is a good reminder that we all have lessons to learn in this process. We also have choices about how we will respond to this new challenge before us. Choices about how we support her and each other, whether we hold hope or give up, whether we view the struggle as part of the journey or as an unbearable burden, and whether we remember to treasure each moment with the ones we love valuing them for who they truly are or buy into the roles and stories we have created for ourselves and each other. Our responses impact how we will come through this crisis as well as how she will.

Sharing all of this with my sons has been both difficult and beautiful. Telling them what was happening seemed brutal and scary when everything was so up in the air. Yet they responded with tears and hope and an immediate desire to see her and support her. They have been able to go on with their days while still offering love, support, and understanding to each other and to me when one of us was struggling. They have shown me that they can be as strong and courageous in the face of adversity as my dear aunt has been.

For everyone facing adversity, no matter how big or small:
May you be safe.
May you be happy.
May you be healthy.
May you have peace.
May you awaken to the light of their true nature.
May you be free.

Namaste

Stealing

2011-02-19T17:17:00.000-07:00

Stealing is one of those things I have always thought of as clear cut and simple. Then, this week Michelle used Asteya - sanskrit for non-stealing - as our meditation focus. One of the affirmations she shared related to asteya was "I am whole and complete." As I contemplated this, I realized that stealing does not always related to a concrete item being taken.

We steal confidence from ourselves when we call ourselves stupid, judge ourselves harshly, or decide something about us is not good enough. When we dissect ourselves, accepting only what we see as good or attractive, we cannot be whole and complete. When we rely on others to provide approval for who we are, we steal from our sense of self-worth. We all have strengths and weaknesses and together they make us who we are.

As parents we unwittingly steal from our children when we fail to acknowledge the many things they do well and criticize their mistakes too harshly. We teach them to steal confidence from themselves as well by creating those negative messages that live in their minds and hearts.

Of course we will be critical and will need to redirect, reteach, and determine consequences for negative behavior at times. But when I look through the lens of asteya, I am encouraged even more to take those extra seconds to think about my words with care, to keep mistakes in perspective, and to acknowledge and apologize when I am wrong.

I want my children to lift up themselves and those with whom they interact. Therefore, I must model this for them at every opportunity. Whether it is showing gentleness with myself, with them, or with others, modeling lovingkindness and understanding teaches them not to steal someone else's confidence and self-worth as well as to value and nurture their own.

May we all awaken to the light of our true nature, fill our hearts with lovingkindness for ourselves, and spread it in all that we do.
Namaste

Life Lessons

2011-01-27T21:08:00.000-07:00

The opportunity to learn and grow is ever present in our lives. From miniscule to massive, joy to pain, health to illness, life lessons abound. The opportunity to learn and grow is ever present.

Gigglebox recently had a lovely opportunity presented to him with so many lessons available in the process – honesty, patience, responsibility, kindness, and gratitude to name a few. He had received a long coveted iPod for Christmas and had been very thoughtful about keeping track of it (they are sooooo tiny now) and using it appropriately. Then last week at school he put it in his pocket with a bit of haste and it ended up falling out unbeknownst to him at the time.

Later in the day he noticed it was missing. He searched his classroom, backpack, and locker to no avail. Within a short time of coming home, Gigglebox told me he had lost his iPod. We problem solved a bit about where it could be and how he might find it, but also discussed that there was a chance he wouldn’t. He was very sad and I was sad for him. I was also frustrated, but working hard to keep my compassion out ahead of that.

As it was Friday afternoon he was going to have to wait the entire weekend before he could look for it again at school. This was difficult.

He was also charged with telling his dad, who bought the iPod for him, that he had lost it. This was also difficult.

A bit later in the evening I realized that I had totally forgotten to acknowledge the courage it took for him to be honest and tell me right away about the missing iPod. When I praised him for this he beamed with pride and shared how much he had really not wanted to tell me. Honesty.

Gigglebox was very patient throughout the weekend, not fussing when his brother was using his own iPod and not asking to use anyone else’s. He was patient on Monday when the gym at his school (where it most likely fell out of his pocket) was not accessible. He was patient on Tuesday when he again could not get into the gym. Then at last on Wednesday he was there. Patience.

Kindness. This lesson came from his teachers. First a teacher saw it on the floor that Friday afternoon and put it into the lost and found box in the gym. Then another teacher who had seen him with the iPod on the day he lost it recognized it as his and put it in her desk for safekeeping. She returned it to him when he came to class and he was quite relieved to say the least. He told her how much he appreciated her kindness and asked her to also tell the other teacher thank you. Gratitude.

He made a plan to make sure in the future the iPod was attached to him instead of stuffed somewhere. Responsibility. He also decided not to take it with him on a field trip. Great learning!

While there were many lessons for my little Gigglebox on this journey, the lessons were clearly there for the rest of us as well.

The opportunity to learn and grow is ever present.

Namaste

None of us get out of it alive

2010-12-09T21:52:00.000-07:00

This is a quote from my aunt today, "None of us get out of it alive." What is it, you may ask? Life. Oh, the irreverence!!! And the laughter that followed.

We will all die at some point, we just don't know when that will be. The question then arises ~ how do we live each day fully while still acknowledging our mortality and the fact that we could die at any time?

My aunt and I struggled with this question today as we discussed her cancer prognosis. It seems to be a paradox, but it reminds me of the yogic teachings of non-clinging, aparigraha. Accepting what is without holding on. Being present without trying to control the outcome of our actions.

I had a visual image of walking a line and leaning from to the left, then right; moving from light to dark; from hopeful to hopeless. Then more irreverence..."weebles wobble, but they don't fall down." We all wobble along that line every day, although sometimes we dip too far into one side or the other, drowning in denial or darkness.

As I think about my life, I am reminded that truly all I have is this moment. Nothing else is guaranteed. Whether the moment is full of laughter and joy, pain and sorrow, or something in between, this moment is the only one I have. It can be difficult to stay present when I'm tired, frustrated, and at the end of my rope. It's easy to escape into drama, self-pity, or blaming others.

But what can I teach my children by practicing staying present, being in the moment, recognizing when to let things go? I can teach them trust, acceptance, and love. My daily struggles and successes as a mom and human being can be lessons for them and me.

I can teach them to honor and savor each moment, to rejoice in what they have, to know that they are loved, and that their love and lives make a difference to others.

It often takes the reality of loss to help us cherish what we have because it is so hard to wobble along that line, feeling each moment fully.

May this remind you (and me) to notice this moment and all that it has to offer, then with lovingkindness gently release it as we step into the next moment, should it be there.

Namaste

Truthfulness, Revisited

2010-11-27T15:37:00.000-07:00

Satya, truthfulness, has continued to be a theme in our lives throughout the fall. It seems to come up on a daily basis.

I answered a Mama Drama question a couple of weeks ago about lying. In the process I looked at current research and found some new perspectives to consider when supporting honesty with my children. There are two that had the biggest impact on me and have influenced my interactions with my children over the past couple of weeks, for the better I might add!

The first is that our children's primary motivation for lying is to make us happy. Huh? you might ask yourself - I did the same. Children mistakenly believe their parents will be happier if they pretend they didn't do something wrong than if they tell the truth about their mistake. As parents we have to impress upon our children that telling the truth will make us happier than if they hadn't made the mistake. I have practiced this several times over the past few weeks when big issues have come up for my sons and have been stunned at its effectiveness.

The second ah-ha in my research was how we often set our children up to lie through the questions we ask and the demeanor we use to deliver the question. Because they want to make us happy when we ask, "Did you...?" they immediately say no. As parents we think we want to give our kids a chance to come clean on their own without accusations, but sometimes we just have to call it like we see it. For example, last night I came downstairs to find the foil on the sweet potato pie pulled back and a finger print in the pie. I knew which child had the opportunity in the kitchen on their own, so went to address him.

I calmly entered his room and stated, "You put your finger in the pie, right?" Without hesitation, surprisingly, he answered, "Yeeeessss, but it was soooo good!" I gushed appreciation for him telling me the truth right away and said we'd address any consequences about the pie in the morning. He was happy, I was happy, all was good, no lying. Practice was paying off.

Previously, I might have asked my sons if they had done it in a stern tone. That usually led to a denial, even when the evidence was all over their faces.

I have never wanted my children's behavior to be about making me happy. I always want them to feel happy internally about making the right choice. Given what the research states and my sons' responses, I believe I will have to make an exception in the case of lying.

Parenting is always a journey of growth and self-reflection, svadhyaya. I am sure my dear boys will provide me with many opportunities to hone my skills and practice tapas, self-discipline, in managing my responses. I hope to return the favor with opportunities for them to practice satya, truthfulness, as often as possible.

Namaste

Truthfulness

2010-08-26T21:53:00.000-06:00

Teaching truthfulness to my children has been an interesting and complicated journey. It seemed so easy at the outset - always tell the truth. But as they got a little older we began to set limits about telling the whole truth, such as when they said to someone, "You're fat." It is the truth, but then we taught them that we don't have to say everything we think even if it is the truth. There are also more tactful ways to tell the truth that don't hurt people's feelings. This gets a bit confusing when you're a little kid.

Then there are surprises. Is it lying when you tell a story to set up a surprise birthday party? It is, but it's for a good cause, right? Well, what about when my son's good cause is so he doesn't get in trouble? Same reasoning, but...

Telling the truth when it's hard to tell is especially tricky, for parents and kids.

When there's shaving cream all over the bathroom andmy son really wants to stay out of trouble because he was just being curious, that is a hard truth to tell.

When my son said he was doing his homework, but was really playing games on the computer and doesn't want to lose his new computer, that is a hard truth to tell.

When we were all looking forward to a trip and realized we couldn't go because we had to spend the money on house repairs, that was a hard truth to tell.

When my Grandma's cancer spread through her body and her choices were to live longer miserably or shorter more comfortably and I had to tell my boys she was going to die soon, that was a heart wrenching truth to tell.

I try to be a good model for truthfulness by admitting when I make mistakes and explaining why we are doing what we're doing. My biggest struggle is not overreacting to my children's mistakes so they will continue to tell the truth, even when it's hard.

Truthfulness in yogic philosophy is called Satya. It pervades every aspect of our lives from answering a simple "How are you?" to owning up to a big mistake. Our children are watching us and learning. No matter what we are saying to them they follow our actions, so we have to act thoughtfully.

Balance

2010-07-06T00:01:00.000-06:00

Balance is an ever-shifting ideal. I have a dear friend who once expressed his exasperation at everyone telling him to work on balance. It seemed an impossible thing to always be in balance. In exploring this idea of balance we decided that balance is different every day and even hour to hour, moment to moment. Certain situations require us to give much of ourselves, while others allow us to receive a great deal. Rarely do they ever seem evenly balanced like weights on a scale.

As we move from the school year to summer finding the balance between work and play is its own challenge. I wrote a blog in April for Mile High Mamas about Being vs. Doing. I believe our kids should have carefree summer days to wonder and explore...a being sort of summer. Sometimes, however, my kids have a different idea.

Walkingstick is ten this year. He loves the structure and predictability of school and often struggles to ease into the free flow of summer. He solved this dilemma this summer by landing a part in a summer children's theatre production that requires rehearsals six mornings a week. It gives him busy mornings, plenty of time to play in the afternoons, and then more structure two nights a week with baseball practice and games.

Gigglebox is on the other end of the spectrum. He wants to be home with mom or dad and doesn't want any activities except baseball, which of course we are at with him. It's been a month now and he seems perfectly content with this arrangement.

Then there is me. I am writing, teaching yoga classes, and being a stay at home mom this summer. Trying to squeeze in time to write and play with the boys has been more challenging than I expected. At times I get focused and want to blaze through the writing and other times I just pack up the boys and we head for the pool or some other adventure.

Dad seems happy to be at work most days, he's a structure guy like walkingstick. He is joining in the fun by coaching the boys' baseball teams and taking a few days off here and there to play.

I believe we are all finding our own balance this summer. Somedays more than others, but then that's the point isn't it...staying grounded amidst the chaos and the calm, the light breeze and the blustery day, finding the balance within ourselves regardless of what is going on around us. Not altogether easy, but a worthy goal nonetheless.

Namaste

ps - if you'd like to see walkingstick live in Alice's Adventures in Wonderland it starts July 13 at The Aurora Fox Theater

Must Read for Mamas

2010-05-05T17:04:00.000-06:00

I have a mission in life to create a community of moms where we support each other and are gentle with ourselves about all our human imperfections. My editor at Mile High Mamas posted this amazing blog today that brought me to tears. She's an amazing mom and an advocate for moms and kids!

If you are a mom, know a mom, or have a mom you must read this.

This Mother's Day take time to show lovingkindness and understanding to all the moms you encounter.
Namaste

Living with an open heart

2010-04-25T21:17:00.000-06:00

Living with an open heart...seems so easy on the surface. Be open, accepting, compassionate...easy in those moments of comfort...harder in those moments of difficulty.

In meditation and yoga we often talk about opening our hearts, letting go of barriers, being compassionate to all. In those brief peaceful moments it feels attainable. Yet when we go out into the world and face the challenges of our daily lives, keeping an open heart is a challenge.

When frustrated or angry, my response is often to shut down my heart, build a barrier, and refuse to feel compassionate. Those habitual patterns seem easier than facing the difficulties within myself or my relationships. But, as Pema Chodron says, if I do something different, anything different, I can change those patterns and keep my heart open.

Sometimes its as simple as breathing...yet simple as it is, it is often difficult to do. Sometimes it's laughing at the absurdity of the situation or of my own response to it. Mostly it's letting go of my expectations, changing my perspective, and softening the rigidity that sets in when facing difficulties.

Taking a moment to put myself in the shoes of the other person, trying to see things from their perspective, is a huge part of my practice of compassion. A friend recently asked me if understanding the other person's situation justifies their inappropriate behavior. I of course said no, but if I can keep my heart open to understand and feel compassion for a person who has hurt me or someone I care about, then perhaps the next time I make a huge mistake or a small misstep I can be compassionate with myself as well. We all know we are harder on ourselves than anyone else and compassion must start within.

So why try to live with an open heart? It is, after all, a difficult journey. I believe that through practicing living with an open heart, mistakes and all along the way, that I can change the world one moment of compassion at a time. I can teach and model this for my children, pass it on to those with whom I interact every day, and have positive impact on the world. Idealistic, yes. I don't expect to change everything and everyone, but those little ripples and waves of compassion flowing out into the universe will grow and influence each life they touch.

Surrendering to Sickness

2010-04-19T14:16:00.000-06:00

When my boys are sick it is often easy to view the illness as an inconvenience that interrupts our schedule. The yogic niyama of surrender - ishvara pranidhana - helps me with these situations.

Ishvara pranidhana teaches me to surrender to whatever is happening and to be open to what it has to offer. As I have stayed home with my boys over the past week I have found much to appreciate. A slower pace to the day, lots of snuggling, reading books, listening to stories on cd, quiet afternoons as they slept reminding me of their younger days, playing scrabble, and moments of talking and giggling.

One of the funniest things that happened was when Walkingstick and I found a new stomach settling trick that is perfect for ten year old boys. In my book of yoga mudras there is a mudra breath called snake breathing - bhujangani mudra - that eliminates stomach complaints, cleanses the digestive tract, and eliminates gases. The best part of the mudra from Walkingstick's perspective is the end when you get to belch. He thought that was hilarious! And it made him feel better. :)

To practice snake breathing you sit cross legged holding your hands in Apan Mudra (middle and ring fingers touching the pad of the thumb). Swallow air, as if slurping it, sending it into your stomach. Arch your abdomen gently and hold the air for a moment. Then let the air back out by belching. Practice this for three to five breaths. (For more info see Mudras, Yoga in your Hands by Gertrud Hirschi)

While many tasks at work did not get accomplished, surrendering to the moment and appreciating the extra time I have had with my sons has been a gift I can truly appreciate.

The Girl of My Dreams

2010-04-11T22:21:00.000-06:00

My little Gigglebox gave me quite a boost (and a laugh) the other day when he exclaimed, "Mom, you're the girl of my dreams!" He was so earnest and sweet, but it was hard not to giggle given the circumstances of his comment.

I had just taken his big brother down to the floor in one quick swoop in response to his telling me I couldn't. Both boys were stunned, big brother laughingly so, and apparently quite impressed with my skills. My prowess at wrestling ten-year-olds will become legendary I'm sure.

A few minutes later Gigglebox decided while I could take down his brother so easily, he was certain there was no way I could take him down. Again, there was a quick swoop and he was on the floor. "I wasn't ready, Mom," he claimed. I let him prepare, which in seven year old terms means to put on his determined grimace and run at me, and proceeded to drop him to the floor again, gently of course. We laughed and he tried the not ready again, but I figured twice was plenty for the seven year old ego. He then proceeded to try to lift me off of him which had tears rolling down my face it was so funny!

It was wonderful to watch their faces as they realized I was more than they had thought. They always perceive their Dad as the strong one, which he is of course, but I was glad to remind them that girls are strong, too. It's a good lesson to realize that people can be more than what we perceive of them. And in a house full of boys, it's good to remind them that boys aren't always stronger and better just because they are boys. (Yes, I'm a feminist and proud of it!)

We too often limit ourselves, our children, and others through our expectations or lack thereof. Narrowing our view narrows the possibilities. Opening our hearts and expecting that anything is possible provides a launching pad for our children to be and become anything they can imagine.

Growing Independence

2010-03-18T14:26:00.000-06:00

I discovered early on in my life as a mom that letting go and fostering independence are a huge part of the process of parenting. The trick is to figure out when and how. This is never clearcut and is different for every child. Something that worked for Walkingstick often does not for Gigglebox. While they are similar in so many ways, they are also dramatically different. Certainly no cookie cutter parenting going on in our house, or anyone else’s I’m sure.

Being the oldest Walkingstick has always embraced independence a bit more quickly than his brother. I, however, am not always so quick to recognize his ability to do so. Because he can be so self sufficient, at times I forget to give the support he needs. Other times I don’t pay attention to all the signs he’s giving me that he is ready to take an independent leap until he gets crabby with me, such as “It’s not your homework, Mom, why are you so worried about it!” Sometimes I need a push rather than a nudge. :P

Gigglebox on the other hands is generally perfectly content to be the little brother and continue his dependence on Mom, Dad, or big brother to do things for him or take on his responsibilities. However, once he has mastered a task, has supports in place, and the expectation for him to be independent are clear, he usually rises to the occasion. Recently he has begun to recognize his own need for more independence and has pushed us a bit.

As I recognize their differences I am reminded to continually pay attention to the little things. The aspects of their personalities and perspectives that inform me about who they are and how they see the world. When I’m more tuned in, we have fewer struggles. When I’m tuned in, I help them tune in to themselves and those around them. Connecting without expectation of anything in return.

Pema Chodron’s book on compassionate living is entitled Start Where You Are. An amazingly simple statement with profound meaning. Start where I am and start with my children where they are. Not ahead, not behind, but right where we are at this very moment. Being gentle when we (or they) aren't where we think we should be. Being compassionate with ourselves when we realize we started three miles beyond where our little one is.

Be here now. "There is always grace in the present moment," as my dear friend Marie told me yesterday.

Namaste

Parenting with my heart

2010-02-23T18:05:00.000-07:00

Over the years of teaching yoga, friends who have come to my classes have told me how my voice changes as I start teaching class. We call it my yoga voice. As I begin class I feel my words move from coming out of my head to out of my heart. My generally high pitched voice changes to a slightly deeper and more resonant sound. I still laugh and giggle, especially at myself when I tip over or mix up body parts, but there is a different place that the yoga comes from in my body.

I was contemplating this at the end of class on Saturday as I enjoyed the peaceful sense of calm I experience when leading my class into relaxation. Then the light bulb flashed on. I have been spending far too much of my time parenting from my head instead of from my heart. My head parenting gets cranky and irritable, often irrational and overreactive, high pitched and high strung. My heart parenting is kinder, more patience, and allows for space and silence.

They say the people in our lives are mirrors of us. My children have certainly been mirroring my spending too much time in my head as of late.

For the past two days I have spent more time and energy intentionally breathing into my heart, allowing for silence, practicing compassion, then speaking or acting. As my energy and reactions change, so does that of those around me. My mirrors, my children, have begun to move from a different place as well.

Now I have no doubts I'll falter and stumble, it is after all a practice. But how fortunate I feel for the opportunity that teaching and parenting offer me to practice listening to and moving from my heart first. Allowing rather than forcing, breathing in and out, again and again and again.

May you be safe
May you be happy
May you be healthy
May you have peace
May you awaken to the light of your true nature.
May you be free.
~metta blessing of lovingkindness

Practicing what I teach

2010-01-27T22:16:00.000-07:00

In every yoga class I teach I encourage my students to listen to their bodies, pushing themselves to their edge but not beyond it. I share this same lesson with my children, helping them to notice and understand the messages their bodies give them. And then...

...and then I busily run around working on a bazillion different projects not paying attention to my own body's messages such as nearly falling asleep while writing at the computer, puffy tired eyes when I wake up, and a need for too much Awake tea everyday to name a few examples, until my body has enough and decides to let me know in a bit louder voice that enough is enough and I need to rest, really rest.

So on Monday morning when my sweet husband awakened me I was quickly greeted by a headache. Now I get headaches fairly often and didn't think too much of it. I usually press on, drink water, maybe a bit of caffiene, do some yoga and energy work and it usually settles out.

Not this time. Moments after getting out of bed I realized that bed was the only place I was going to be that day. Not just a little annoyance of a headache this time, but a nausea inducing, eye piercing, room spinning, sound and movement sensitive migraine. My body was no longer saying slow down and take a rest, it said STOP! in no uncertain terms. So, finally, I listened (what choice did I have at this point) and I stopped.

I stopped for the entire day, barely dragging myself out of bed at midday to try to eat something and continued to rest or sleep until late afternoon. I was still not quite myself until the next morning, but in all that stopping and resting I remember that lesson I say everyday and remembered I have to practice what I teach. Listening to, respecting, and honoring my body's messages. Trusting that when I do, I am healthier, happier, and more grounded than when I run around like a chicken with my head cut off ignoring that fact entirely.

Again I am reminded this is a practice. Yoga and life. We don't always get it right and sometimes we need a siren instead of a whisper to notice. But we can laugh, be gentle with ourselves, and practice some more.

Namaste

What's in a decade?

2010-01-11T22:05:00.000-07:00

So much can go into a decade. More than I ever imagined. A decade ago tonight I was in labor with my oldest son. Excited, scared, and in awe of the amazing ability I was given to grow a baby in my womb. I had no idea at that moment how my life would change and grow with this baby boy.

Every year on the eve of their birthdays, we tell our boys their birth stories and look through the wonder of their first year and sometimes beyond. Their stories are magical to me and they treasure hearing them each year. As we look through the tremendous growth of that first year from a completely dependent infant to a toddling boy with a scrunchy face grin I am reminded of the gift parenthood is in my life. I look at the innocent face of my baby boy along side the naive faces of his parents. We had no concept of the joys or challenges that awaited us.

I sometimes wish I could say I am always the parent I planned to be, but reality is a much richer picture. I hope that our mistakes and missteps, along with the moments we get it all right, will teach them that none of us are perfect, yet we can continue to strive for excellence. Acknowledging our mistakes, learning from them, and growing stronger along the way.

I realized a decade ago as I labored to birth my sweet walkingstick that giving birth and raising a child is so much about letting go, a lesson I revisit daily. So often as parents we want to hold on to and protect our children and that is very much a part of the process. But we must also let go enough so they can take those steps into independence. My biggest struggles as a parent are often at this juncture when they are ready to step and I have not yet let go. I try to see each little bit of independence as a letting go, in hopes that it won't be so hard when they leave the nest for good (although I'm observing from friends with adult children that they often return when you least expect it!). I'll let you know how that has worked in another eight years. Yipes!

Tonight I am letting go again as my sweet boy becomes a ten year old. I had no idea it would be so hard and yet I am so proud and amazed by the boy he is today. Kind, intelligent, insightful, and curious, yet still full of attitude and oblivious at times. When I can honor all he is I also honor all I am.

I celebrate this decade full of hugs, kisses, giggles, tears, struggles, growth, celebrations, and loss. My life is richer for having shared this decade with my darling boy.

Believe

2009-12-24T21:41:00.000-07:00

To believe in more than ourselves and more than we can see is an amazing thing. Right now, my children's hearts are full of belief in magic, generosity, and Santa Claus.

To watch them write their lists, spend days contemplating what they will leave him for a snack, and track Santa across the world online has been a joy and a wonder. This morning Walkingstick raced upstairs in a panic to find me. He'd been online and was absolutely certain that Santa was going too slow and was not going to make to our house in time. He was desperately anxious for reassurance that he really would make it.

In an age when many children no longer believe in Santa and lose their innocence so young, I am so grateful that my sons still believe. Although they have asked many questions this year wondering how it can all happen, they truly believe in the wonder and spirit of Santa Claus. We generally encourage them to think of their own answers to how he can travel the world and it is always amazing what they come up with. They are much more creative than we would be.

We heard about a book this year called The Truth About Santa. It suggests that Santa uses all sorts of science to manage him monumental task. As we talked about warp drives taking him from one place to the next in a split second, Gigglebox had a huge aha moment. "That's why Christmas Eve always seems so long, Mom, because Santa stops time with his warp drive!"

There is always magic in the season of the Solstice, Hanukkah, Christmas, and Kwanza. For me it is the gathering of family, the gift of time together, the light we bring to each others hearts as we move beyond our own lives to consider others, and an opportunity for all of us to consciously practice compassion.

May this season bring you much joy and may you find compassion in your heart for yourself as well as those whom you touch each day.

Compassion for ourselves

2009-12-13T21:20:00.000-07:00

I taught a meditation workshop yesterday afternoon that was lovely and peaceful and very illuminating. I do not consider myself a meditation expert, but really enjoy introducing people to the concept of meditation and especially compassion focused meditation.

As we practiced, the theme of compassion emerged. This in the first yama of the eight-limbed path of yoga and is called Ahimsa in sanskrit. One student provided the best opportunity to demonstrate the practice of Ahimsa.

We were practice a metta blessing of loving-kindness toward ourselves. When we finished, she shared that she often struggles in life with giving too much of herself to others. During the meditation she found herself thinking of others when she was intending to focus on compassion for herself. Then, she was critical of herself for this. I so appreciate her honesty.

This is exactly what most of us do in meditation and in life. And this is the perfect moment to then practice compassion for ourselves. Recognizing that this is a pattern of thinking we have engaged in for many, many years and that we practice compassion by gently recognizing that we have strayed in our focus and returning to our intention. That is the practice and we offer ourselves opportunities everyday to recognize those moments and practice Ahimsa.

I see this harsh evaluation of missteps in myself and in my children. As a parent I try to model compassionate responses as often as I can, but definitely struggle when I'm having a difficult day. On those days I easily get caught up in the negative thoughts streaming through my mind and struggle to let go and refocus on compassion, for myself and them. The judgment creates barriers and walls between me and my children (or anyone else I am upset with), whereas compassion creates connections and understanding.

Image how the world can be different if we all work toward being more compassionate toward ourselves first, filling our own bucket, and then we can truly share that compassion with others, filling theirs. That positive energy can make such a difference in the world.

How often do you focus on cultivating compassion for yourself?

Getting stuck

2009-12-09T22:18:00.000-07:00

Last week a friend posted a comment that she was having one of those days where she was seeing more of what she didn't have than what she did have. We all have those moments, days, or weeks where we get stuck and cannot seem to get unstuck. It seemed a simple, honest statement at the time, but it blossomed into a powerful teaching tool about perspective and attitude.

That evening one of my sons began lamenting about not getting the brownie he wanted and was nearly inconsolable with the unfairness of it all as he went to bed. The other was frustrated with a situation that wasn't going right for him at school. My friend's comment popped into my head and sparked an attitude adjustment for us all. I talked with them about having a choice to focus on what they didn't get and what went wrong or to put their attention on all the opportunities and things they did have and that had gone right. As we listed off the many positives in their day, the negatives began to seem quite small and insignificant. When offered that seemingly simple choice, both were able to move on and let go of the drama of the moment. Getting unstuck.

I so appreciate that my friend shared her struggle that day. Without her honesty I would not have had the inspiration to teach that concept to my sons. It is not easy to admit when we are struggling or stuck. I find when I do, others are there to support me and find a connection with their own struggles. Admitting frailty and failure, while difficult, helps me to be more compassionate and gentle with myself and others, and to remember to embrace all that I do have.

The allure of whipped cream

2009-11-29T21:57:00.000-07:00

The pies of Thanksgiving always have me thinking about whipped cream. Yum! The whipped cream also reminds me of two great stories.

A few weeks ago my oldest son had a cold. To decrease the mucus with the cold I usually eliminate dairy from his diet for a few days. Unfortunately, the day he got sick, Dad came home with pie, ice cream, and whipped cream. He had pie, but not the toppings and was none to happy with Mama about that. I promised him I would let him have a bowl full of both ice cream and whipped cream for a treat when he was feeling better, but apparently he wasn't quite convinced I would follow through.

A couple of days later I was coming down the stairs and he came scurrying toward me from the kitchen and gave me a big hug. I didn't think too much about it, but a couple a minutes later he came back to me and told me he had to confess. Unbeknownst to me, he had been sneaking whipped cream from the container in the refrigerator when I came down the stairs. He said he didn't think I would really let him have some when he was better, so he had been sneaking big scoops of it with his hands.
He was really worried I'd be mad at him. Instead I surprised him by laughing and hugging him, then sharing with him my own story of succumbing to the allure of whipped cream.

As a little girl I had the good fortune to spend a great deal of time with my Grandma. Much of that time was also spent with my dear cousin GB. Every afternoon Grandma would take a nap for an hour or two and GB and I were supposed to rest, watch TV, or play quietly. Being curious girls we frequently found ourselves up to our eyeballs in trouble instead. Grandma had a variety of items around the house that we found quite irresistible and would frequently sneak while she was napping. The most infamous was the Cool Whip in the freezer.

GB and I loved Cool Whip and Grandma always kept a few containers in the freezer for family dinners. Once we discovered this, we made it a habit to slip into the freezer, open a container, and scrap a spoon or our fingers across the top for a little taste. We would smooth the top evenly and one time left the thinnest layer possible in the bottom of the bowl to make sure we hadn't eaten the whole thing. Somehow we fooled ourselves into believing Grandma wouldn't notice. Well, she definitely noticed!

As adults when the pies and the whipped cream came out at Thanksgiving, Grandma would tell the story of going to the freezer to get the Cool Whip and discovering the all but empty container. We tried to defend ourselves, but usually ended up laughing and confessing countless other ridiculous things we'd done while Grandma was napping. The afternoons with GB and Grandma telling that story are some of my favorite memories.

After hearing this story, my son was relieved that he was not the only one to feel the allure of whipped cream and excited that I had shared the story with him. It was a wonderful moment of connection for the two of us. I was so proud of him for being honest with me and relieved that I had been able to handle the situation with grace and humor.

I love these moments of confident parenting when it all seems to come together. They make the frequent times of struggle much more bearable and remind me that I can be the parent I want to be, but I don't have to be perfect (and neither do my kids).

A nostalgic heart

2009-11-26T09:34:00.000-07:00

Being one of those people to whom nostalgia comes easily, I frequently struggle with not clinging to the past. The practice of Aparigraha allows me to raise my awareness of this and to work toward being present each moment here and now. Holidays seem especially challenging for me in this practice.

As I reflect this Thanksgiving morning on all the blessings of my life, my heart is both full and saddened. I have so much for which to be thankful and yet part of me longs for those Thanksgivings of old. So many precious memories of grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, foods, afternoon naps, football games, loud rounds of cards, and most of all laughter and joy. Nothing was every perfect, but it is so sweet to soften those edges of memory by letting go of the imperfections.

And as I write, the big ah-ha moment comes...the non-clinging, aparigraha, has to do with both the good and the bad. I so often think of it only as clinging to what I want, forgetting that forgiveness and letting go of difficult times is a vital part of the practice. By not holding on to the hurt, we allow old wounds heal making room in our heart for more love and kindness.

I see this same nostalgic heart in both of my boys. It surfaces as they struggle to give away old books or toys they no longer use, pictures they drew, crafts they made, or even sticks and rocks they found on hike one day. The memories of the day and the people to whom they connect those objects create such strong attachments for them. They often feel as though they will lose that memory and connection if they no longer have the object. As I look at the objects around our house that were my grandmothers or my moms, I'm thinking it must be in our genes.

Today I am missing my grandma and the home her heart provided me. I feel myself holding on, clinging to the desire to have it all like it was before. But as I listen to my sons chatting, watch them enjoy the Thanksgiving Day parade that my grandfather loved, smell the foods of the day beginning to simmer, I realize that like every Thanksgiving, this one too will be its own special day. It will have memories and experiences we will talk about for years to come. I just don't know yet what they'll be.

I continue to strive to be present for each moment, honoring the old memories while creating new ones. Living the practice and modeling that for my sons.

Having enough

2009-11-20T22:00:00.000-07:00

I just read a blog by Anne at About Freelance Writing about sufficiency. Living with what we have and recognizing that what we have is enough. It is a powerful reminder for all of us. In yogic philosophy we call this practice Aparigraha.

I have been contemplating this practice a good deal over the past few weeks. Wondering if we are teaching our children what we really want them to learn in relation to having enough. We talk about it, but do we practice it?

As we approach the holiday season we are bombarded by catalogs full of fabulous treats and toys we all would enjoy but most likely don't need. Typically, the boys pour over them creating huge lists of things they want. They become overwhelmed and aparigraha is the farthest thing from their minds. This year I've taken to tossing the catalogs into recycling before they can even take a peek. It has taken the focus off all that stuff and decreased the clutter around the house. It has helped all of us stay more grounded.

The next challenge is how to move into all the holiday celebrations and maintain this practice. Stay tuned to see how we do and feel free to share any of your ideas.

Spreading the joy

2009-11-19T21:48:00.000-07:00

My sons are participating in a choir this fall for the first time. They have always loved to sing, so we thought we'd try this out.

Every week when they leave choir practice they are grinning from ear to ear and seem like they are walking on air. There is something transforming about singing for them. I noticed this from the beginning and have mentioned it frequently to friends and family. As I was emailing the choir director today, I realized I had not mentioned it to her.

So, I shared my observations and her response floored me. She replied, "Thanks for your wonderful email - made my day!"

I'm always surprised how much those little positive reinforcements make such a big difference.

Lessons from the Universe

2009-11-16T15:39:00.000-07:00

I am known for telling other people that their illnesses are their bodies way of telling them to slow down, listen, or take a look inside. Being like most people, however, it is always easier to see these things from the outside than from the inside.

Last week I started getting sick. I kept going a bit, but did take a couple of days off of work. I thought I was getting better, so charged ahead again only to find myself worse off than I was before within a very short time. Still not quite getting it, I tried to keep up with my regular routine until the chills and fever sent me to bed...for hours.

Even though I know I should just stop, I continue to think I can do a little bit more than I am. Case in point, I'm sitting here at the computer writing when my body is telling me to take a nap before the boys get home from school.

Some lessons take longer than others to learn. The universe usually gives us lots of opportunities to practice the ones with which we are struggling. So, rather than continue on, I think I'll listen to the universe, my body, and my own advice and go take a nap. :)

What lessons does the universe keep sending your way?

Just Bee

2009-11-13T21:59:00.000-07:00

I love the Bee Movie. It has so many awesome lessons on relationships, the environment, standing up for what's right, and unintended consequences.

We had the pleasure of watching it this evening and just being. (Pun intended!) I so often am running around the house taking care of little details or working on the computer that I forget to just sit down and be with my family.

As we were all snuggled up tonight I practiced savoring each moment of being together. Recognizing that these were magical moments together, all of us content and relaxed, enjoying a favorite movie and each other.

What was your last magical moment?

How to learn the rules of the game

2009-11-13T21:16:00.000-07:00

Last year walking stick decided to buy himself a game of chess with his Christmas gift card. He didn't really know how to play, but set about learning through a variety of paths.

He read the rules that came with the game, though those are now long gone. Played games against his parents, who never really learned how as kids so weren't much help. Played against his little brother, which often ended in tears and arguments. Played Chess Lite on my iPhone, while waiting for swimming lessons, car repairs, and little brother's choir practice. Played endless hours of games against himself, my personal favorite. And found a few friends who would play chess at school or on play dates.

Now, eleven months later, he feels fairly proficient in his understanding of the basics of chess. He still tends to recite rules as he remembers them or, as we perceive, as they benefit him the most. Typical nine year old stuff. So when the arguments begin as he plays with his brother, he feels he is now the chess expert. What's a mom to do without the trusty rule book to employ?

I love Google! In less than a minute I've got a chess rules website with descriptions of what each piece can do, visual demonstrations, and information on a few special moves. End of argument! Next step is to teach them how to gently and compassionately remind each other of the rules. Thank goodness I'm a social worker and have years of practice at that! Teach, model, supervise, recognize, re-teach, and on we go...

Infinite Possibilities

2009-11-13T21:13:00.000-07:00

I look at my boys everyday and wonder what amazing things they will do as they grow older. Every day I see them learn and grow and change. The possibilities for what they will become are endless. As I glanced through The Parent's Tao Te Ching I came across this section:

At birth your children are filled with possibilities.
It is not your job to limit these possibilities.
Do not say, "This and that are possible for you.
These other things are not."
They will discover on their own what is and is not possible.
It is your job to help them stay open
to the marvelous mysteries of life.

It may be interesting to ask,
"What limitation have I, unthinking,
taken upon myself?"
It is very difficult for your child's horizons
to be greater than your own.
Do something today that pushes
against your own preconceptions.
Then take your child's hand
and gently encourage her to do the same.

How do you encourage your children to find their gifts and talents and be true to themselves?

Highs and Lows

2009-11-12T13:41:00.000-07:00

Our meditation reading this week was, "Don't be swayed by external circumstances." Easy to say, not so easy to do.

There are so many things in our lives we cannot control and perhaps not even influence. We can be tossed about on a current of emotions if we let our center be guided be the whims of loved ones, strangers, or events across the world. On the other hand, we may appear cold-hearted if we don't respond at all to the joys and tragedies happening around us.

So how can we be responsive and keep our balance at the same time?

I remember reading an interview with the Dalai Lama. He was asked if he ever gets angry? His response was that of course he does. But rather than hold on to that anger, he said he lets it touch his heart lightly and lets it go. It is the same with every emotion and experience.

I try to practice this (emphasizing the word practice!) and to teach this to my children. As they struggle with peers, teachers, or circumstances beyond their control, it is a good lesson to keep your balance by finding your center. Experiencing and observing what arises without clinging to it. When we get swept away by the struggles or the successes in our lives, we can crash hard when things do not end up exactly as we thought they would. Things that seem positive can have unintended negative consequences. Things that seem negative may have a silver lining.

We can only be here in this moment as present as possible, observing, learning, experiencing, and moving on to the next.

Do you know where your center is? Do you know when you are grounded? How?

Yoga teachers in the making

2009-11-08T21:47:00.000-07:00

We had so much fun at our family yoga class this week. I am definitely not the only yoga teacher in the family! My boys are naturals.

Walking Stick has been coming to my Saturday morning adult classes and taught tree pose nearly verbatim to how I teach it in class. He sounded like he been teaching it for years, giving all the variations and options for extensions.

Giggle Box's expertise was helping with alignment. He was able to see the slight postural changes that could help someone improve their pose or make the adjustment I had given verbally. He is not always able to feel that in himself, but could easily see it in others.

When they were younger I was often frustrated in our family yoga classes because they would want to take over and change the directions I was giving. Before we started this session, I talked with them about this frustration. Giggle Box told me that he thought he was the teacher of the class and that is why he was always trying to take over. Too bad I didn't get it sooner, but this time we planned for them to have some leadership and it made all the difference.

It was a good lesson for me to remember that I don't always have to be the director. I've got two fabulous leaders growing before my eyes and they have a lot to teach me as well.

By how many miles?

2009-11-05T22:25:00.000-07:00

A sense of humor is a fabulous thing!

This evening as we drove home from hours of choir practice we were all a little slap happy. For tangential reasons I cannot recall at the moment we were trying to remember the last of the seven dwarfs. We racked our brains we began coming up with all sorts of goofy options. As we went on, the suggestions got closer and closer to that line of inappropriateness and I remarked, "You're getting close to crossing the line."

Walking Stick made one more suggestion and Giggle Box replied, "That definitely crossed the line." I agreed and then he said, "By how many miles?!!" We all burst out laughing at that little moment of literal wit.

I so enjoy laughing with my boys and finding the humor in the little things in life. When we can let go of the things we cling to, we can be present to find those moment when absurdity and humor lightens the load. Thank goodness they are here to help me with that!

What do your kids do that makes you laugh?

Can we teach insight?

2009-11-01T21:17:00.000-07:00

Insight is an amazing gift that allows us to reflect and move forward. As a mom I often find myself trying to give my children a different perspective that will bring them the insight they need. Sometimes I think I hit the mark and other times they have no idea what I am talking about. Then, a little glimmer appears and I think maybe I'm doing something right along the way.

This evening giggle box very unexpectedly walked up to me and said, "Mama, sometimes I overreact to walking stick." I was stunned. We've been working on these reactions for months. Talking about it, planning ahead, reflecting, role-playing...and nothing seemed to stick much. So this bit of out of the blue reflection gives me some hope that all this may be working after all.

It's a good reminder for me that we all have to get things in our own way at our own time. We can be told information over and over, but until we are ready to hear it we don't. Until it makes sense to us and is meaningful, we can't use it.

More lessons in patience for mama.

The world is a classroom

2009-10-28T11:52:00.000-06:00

As I was writing the Mama Drama column this week, I noticed a thread related to taking advantage of the opportunities life presents. I have used the world, our community, and the people in it to teach my children lessons and morals since they were old enough to listen. I am so grateful for all the people in the world who make both smart choices and the occassional mistakes in public that I can use as teaching moments for my children. Driving is prime time for teaching in our family.

Before my boys even sat on a bike they were made fully aware of the importance of helmets as we drove through the city. I would say things like, "I'm so glad that boy is wearing his helmet. That will keep him safe." Or, "I hope he gets home safely. It is dangerous to ride without a helmet." Mistakes give me a bonus to model compassion along with noting the correct behavior expected. I knew it was working when those same statements came out of my boys' mouths as we traveled around.

As I drove the boys to school this snowy morning on the icy roads, I had several opportunities to plant seeds for future behaviors. We talked about starting out slowly to see how icy the roads were, taking our time because it was more important to get there safely even if we were late, and appreciatively noticing the safe steps other drivers were taking to keep themselves and us safe. I hope these lessons will stay in their thoughts as they grow up and become drivers themselves.

It is all too easy, however, to miss the opportunity for positive modeling and to fall into traps of impatience or frustration. I work to keep these moments far fewer than the others, but I am human so am also working on being compassionate with myself when they do occur. Additionally, recognizing my own mistakes and talking with my children about them, is just as important as modeling the better choices. Can't having them thinking I'm perfect or that they need to be. So when I get impatient and cranky with the driver ahead of me, I try to step back, admit that I'm overreacting and have no control over their choices, take some breaths, and get back to being present where I am.

The world provides countless learning opportunities for my children and also for me.

Cultivating compassion

2009-10-17T22:28:00.000-06:00

The Dali Lama teaches that through our thoughts and reactions we create our own suffering. That cultivating compassion for ourselves and others helps us to lessen this suffering so we can experience more joy. I had the opportunity for a little "aha!" about this teaching this week.

My little giggle box is often slow moving in the morning and needs a good deal of time, support, and at times cajoling to get himself ready. As our schedule for this week, at home and school, was going to be a bit taxing, I expected he would need more support. Therefore, I consciously planned that into my morning for the week.

On Friday, however, giggle box awoke very alert and seemingly moving at a good pace on his own. Consequently, and mostly unconsciously, I shifted my expectations. I began working from the perspective that he was perfectly capable of managing his morning routine without the extra supports I had been giving him. Didn't notice that big red flag waving in my face, so suffering ensued for all of us.

After a start of independence, giggle box began to struggle with getting things done. Since I had shifted my thinking about his needs for support, providing this support became an annoyance instead of an expectation. My preconcieved notion about his ability to manage his morning independently led me to perceive his behavior as a problem. Thus, I became frustrated and irritated without even realizing why. We muddled through our morning grouchily and I felt dumbfounded about what had made this morning so different.

Later in the day as I grumbled to my friend about our frustrating morning, the Dali Lama's teaching popped into my head. I realized that nothing about the morning had been dramatically different than any other day that week except for my perspective on what my giggle box should or should not be doing independently! I created my own suffering and frustration by the way I looked at the situation.

I also realized that I probably do this every day about many things. Creating my own suffering about all the situations that interfere with my plans and expectations. While I am working on this through my meditation practice, I am sure that most of the time I don't even notice how my thinking influences my reactions. Yet another reminder that this is what being present is all about. Feeling, thinking, doing, being in the moment, not from old patterns. Consciously choosing how I will act and react. Noticing the old patterns of thinking that send me down that road of frustration and choosing a different, more compassionate path.

When we listen with our hearts full of compassion, we can respond full of compassion. It takes practice and attention and being present, but we can be successful one moment at a time. We will also fail and those are our opportunities to practice compassion for ourselves.

Namaste

Raising a compassionate heart

2009-10-15T22:36:00.000-06:00

As a social worker and a yoga teacher, empathy and compassion are always in the forefront of my mind as I navigate through life. I have worked to weave this perspective into my parenting over the years and this week discovered that you really do reap what you sow.

My dear grandmother died a year ago this week. I have missed her greatly, but she had an amazing life and was just shy of ninety when she died. I have been thinking about this anniversary coming for several weeks, but had not mentioned it to my sons.

As the morning of this anniversary dawned I wavered on talking about it with them, not wanting to upset them as they headed off to school. After much thought, I decided to share this information them because they were so close to her and are such intuitive children that they would know something was up.

As we talked, both of their faces saddened, but neither became too upset. I expected them to say something about how much they missed her, but to my surprise they both responded with care and concern for how I was feeling.

They gave me hugs and then walking stick, with his big lovely heart, said to me, "You know where she is mom...right there." With that he pointed to my heart. As you can imagine big tears rolled down my cheeks. She is in my heart, and in theirs, and her love and kindness will be with us always.

Sharing, teaching, and modeling empathy and compassion are some of the greatest gifts we can give to our children and ourselves. It doesn't mean we never feel angry or frustrated, we just try to use compassion and empathy to work through it and to see what is on the other side.

Babies don't drive cars

2009-10-07T20:22:00.000-06:00

My darling niece, Nutmeg, turned sixteen a few weeks ago (and may be mortified that I am writing this blog after she reads it although I did use an alias, albeit an easily decoded one [@Nutmeg: there are fun words in that sentence just for you ;)]). She was beyond thrilled to be getting her driver's license and hitting the road on her own. Her mom, on the other hand, was experiencing a bit of ambivalence, to say the least.

Nutmeg is a very responsible, level-headed girl. She has good judgement, common sense, and is an excellent driver. My husband even trusted her with his brand new car after she'd only been driving with her permit a few months. That said, in her mama's heart she is still that little baby she brought home from the hospital sixteen years ago.

Upon contemplating the prospect of her baby driving from Boulder to Westminster...on the highway...in the evening...by herself, the mama bear inside started to rise up. She emailed me, "Babies aren't supposed to drive away from their mamas!" And she is absolutely right! Except that her baby is now sixteen and is supposed to drive away, but also to come home.

So how do we let go without going crazy? Little by little. By practicing Aparigraha (Sanskrit for non-clinging). Learning when to hold on and when to let go, when to supervise and when to trust, taking small risks and leaps of faith, teaching our children the skills they need and recognizing that each little step of independence is a letting go.

For Nutmeg, that whole year of driving with a permit was part of this process...plus the fifteen years of parenting she received before that. Her parents have built a fabulous foundation and strong roots for her, the sky is the limit for how and where she will grow. As parents we work to build that strong foundation day by day and then have to trust that our kids will use those roots to ground themselves as they test out their wings and fly (or in this case drive). We are still there to catch them when they stumble or fall and help them work through their mistakes. Little by little means just that, baby steps for the kids and the parents. We are all learning together.

Sweet Mama's Boys

2009-10-04T22:22:00.000-06:00

My boys have always been mama's boys. Some might think that's a bad thing, but I love the close bond we have together. Now they definitely adore their daddy, love to spend time with him, and revel in their weekly boys' night when I go to teach yoga and they get to do boy things. But deep in their hearts they are mama's boys. This week they both turned on the sweet talk to show me just that at very unexpected times.

My little giggle box and I have an hour or so each week when we hang out together while big brother is at choir practice. This week we were chatting and snacking when out of the blue he turned to me and said, "Mom, you mean everything to me." There was such earnestness in his face and voice, it nearly brought me to tears. His little heart was on his sleeve and mine just melted. Later when I was tucking him in he said it again. Adding, "I really mean it, Mom."

The next day, coincidentally, big brother turned on his charm. He was out in the yard playing one variety of ball or another, as is usually at our house. I came out to enjoy the sunshine and began to admire the fall flowers in our garden. Between the mums, hyacinths, and roses, the shades of pink and red were stunning. I commented on how beautiful the flowers were and my silver tongued walking stick turned to me with his big brown eyes and said, "The only flower I see is the one standing next to me." I laughed, as usual, and gave him a big hug. As cheesy as it was, at that moment it was the sweetest thing I'd ever heard.

I am so grateful to have these two sweet boys with their big hearts and tenderness. They help me remember to be in the moment as present as I can be, taking in all that they and life has to offer. They will continue to grow and become more and more independent, but as they do I trust that they will continue to have that special place in their hearts for their mama.

Laughing too much?

2009-09-29T22:56:00.000-06:00

Occasionally my boys tell me that I laugh too much and wonder if I'll ever stop laughing. (Although, they also say other people don't laugh enough and they certainly don't like it when I don't laugh and get cranky!) When it's just us, apparently all this laughing is not a big deal. However, when the friends are around...sometimes we get a little self-conscious.

This morning as we chatted in the hall with one of the friends, my little one leaned in and whispered, "Don't embarrass me, Mom." I whispered back, "How would I do that?" He replied, "By laughing too much." I reigned it in a bit and wondered to myself, "Doesn't he remember I'm Laughing Yoga Mama?" LOL

But seriously, it was a good reminder for me that sometimes I can be overwhelming with my big laugh and personality. School is his place, so I'm a bit more of a background than center stage. He's Mr. Charisma in the classroom and I don't want to upstage him. When he's missing me or needs a boost, though, he is more than willing to put on a big show with me. Like at the end of the day when barrels toward me at full tilt or jumping up to hug me when I visit the classroom to help out.

I am most appreciative (and hope I can take just a teensy bit of credit for it) that my sweet little boy leaned in with a respectful whisper to handle his worry, instead of any number of other less kind ways he could have handled his feelings. I'm so glad he appreciates his laughing yoga mama, but can ask for quiet yoga mama when he needs her.

Finding balance

2009-09-24T21:42:00.000-06:00

Flipping through The Parents Tao Te Ching this evening I came to Number 42 - Finding Balance. It fits so much for this day of imperfection and struggling with what is or isn't and how to best be there in those difficult moments.

There are so many paradoxes in parenting
that it is difficult to find balance.
Some don't even try.
They just plunge ahead
ignoring the subtle whispers of wisdom.
Others try half-heartedly, but resort to old methods
when they get confused.
But some hear wisdom's quiet voice
and make it their own.

They find strength in softness,
power in flexibility,
perfection in mistakes,
success n failure,
clarity in confusion,
and love in letting go.
*

Parenting paradoxes abound.
Don't let appearances deceive you.
Things may not be at all as they seem.
What's going on with your children right now?
Are you sure?
Or are you just making assumptions?
Buried in the most difficult of times are polished gems.
Lurking beneath serene surfaces
lie turbulent waters.
Stay balanced.

Namaste

Don't expect applause

2009-09-21T22:03:00.000-06:00

Seemed like any other ordinary day today as we started off for school, but it ended with an unexpected gift of kindness.

Upon entering his classroom my little giggle box's teacher asked me about an activity they were doing for math. They were going to use plain M&Ms to do some graphing and with his peanut allergy wanted to make sure this was okay. We decided to have him do the activity on a separate tray - not his desk - and to use gloves so that he didn't touch them. (He'd had an odd reaction last week to an unknown substance on the swings, so we were cautious.)

After school giggle box was telling us about the activity and how he used plastic bags on his hands as they couldn't find gloves. He thought this was very funny. Then he exclaimed, "Oh, I almost forgot!" He lifted up his backpack and pulled out a paper towel all wrapped up and taped. "I saved these for you," he said handing the package to his big brother.

Inside were the M&Ms from his math activity. Big brother walking stick was touched and amazed that his little brother would be so thoughtful. They reached across the seats to hug as best they could all strapped in with seat belts and had the sweetest expressions of love and gratitude on their faces. I was welling up with tears as I peeked at them through the rear view mirror.

Walking stick pledged to bring giggle box something the next time he had a class activity involving food. I recalled aloud that he had done just that last year during his cooking class at school. I have always tried to help him understand that they way he treats his little brother is how he can teach his little brother how he wants to be treated. Today was a perfect example of that kindness returned; unexpectedly and without request.

Last week's meditation phrase from Pema Chodron was, "Don't expect applause." Give for the sake of giving. Do for others without expecting anything in return. Walking stick did just that last year and was rewarded unexpectedly with the love and kindness of his brother today.

Grasshopper and the beginner's mind

2009-09-17T14:51:00.000-06:00

As I watch my boys find the wonder in a grasshopper hanging on the edge of a chair on our patio, I am reminded of the openness of a child's mind and spirit. My sweet boys have shown me this so many times over the years, although I do not always recognize it right away.

My youngest son and I went walking at a nature preserve this morning. As we strolled along the path the scent of sun warmed earth washed over me, bringing me back to my childhood. I stopped and brought the scent to my son's attention. He drew in a deep breath through his nose and said, "Mom, that smells wonderful!" Then, to my surprise, he told me he was really wanting to cry and was trying to hold back his tears. When I inquired as to why, he replied, "It's just so beautiful." Then my tears began to flow with him.

It is easy to forget that our children have not had all of the experiences we have had. It is easy to discount their wonder. It is so utterly fulfilling to step inside that wonder to see a grasshopper hanging on the edge of the chair as if for the first time again.

Being present in this moment with our beginner's mind. Remembering we have seen grasshoppers and smelled the earth many times in our lives, but we have not see this grasshopper or smelled this patch of earth in this moment ever before. Allowing ourselves to see, hear, feel, and touch whatever our experiences are free of the judgement and expectations that prevent us from being fully present.

Allowing vs. struggling

2009-09-12T23:00:00.000-06:00

I've been reading a book that was sitting on my bed stand collecting dust for longer than I care to admit (so I won't) called Stretching Lessons by Sue Bender. It leaped out at me from the shelf at Barnes and Nobles some time ago so I bought it. Apparently, I've been a bit resistive to reading it as I've even packed it on a few trips, but never managed to crack it open...until this week of course. I guess we really can only hear (or in this case read) the things we need to when we are really ready.

The content that has struck a chord with me is Sue's realization that she continually struggles for all of her successes, even when she doesn't need to. She discusses taking a "stretching class" and is opened to the possibility of allowing things to happen rather than struggling with them.

As I struggle with the demands and challenges of motherhood, I am realizing that I really do too often struggle. This seems especially true as the boys get older. I'm pushing and pulling and trying to get to some destination that apparently is not such a big priority for everyone else. This concept of allowing instead of struggling seems like a good next step to practice. I'm pretty good at the struggling, so a new skill seems like a good idea.

As I listened to one of my favorite authors, Pema Chodron, today this concept came up again. She described how everything becomes so small and narrow when we have pain and struggle against it rather than facing it. This is so amazingly true! My view is unbelieveably narrow when the sock on the floor, the dishes on the counter, or the time on the clock are the only things I can see. My vision without my glasses really is nearsighted, but I can apparently still be nearsighted even with my glasses on!

So, how do I go about practicing allowing? I guess the first step is to notice when I'm struggling. From there I can begin to step back, broaden my perspective, open my heart, and practice allowing. I'm thinking laughing is going to be a big part of this process. Laughing at myself and the crazy things I get worked up about will be a great first step. Onward, I go...(giggle, giggle)

Giggle box and walking stick cut a rug

2009-09-11T21:51:00.000-06:00

A couple of weeks ago we were at a reception celebrating my cousin's wedding. When the dancing music came on little giggle box said, "Come dance with me, Mama." So off we went. We spun and twirled and shook our hips. Then he turned on the real show and started his fast tapping feet with the wild arm accompaniment. It was so cute and funny and really proud of himself.

Initially, big brother walking stick said he was only a "one foot dancer." He demonstrated by sliding his right foot to the side and back several times. What a goof ball! When giggle box found himself in the center of a large circle showing off his moves, walking stick decided it was time to get into the act. He slipped onto the dance floor and began to draw the crowd toward him. Feeling the rhythm, he created moves I'd never seen before. What a hoot to watch him experiment and strut his stuff.

My little giggle box was a bit under the weather and did not have the stamina to keep up with big brother. After getting his groove on for a while, he got a foot rub from mama and a snuggle from dad and crashed.

Walking stick continued on for a couple of hours working the crowd. He was so engaging with his dancing that at one point the wedding photographer took him off to the side for his own little photo shoot. I cannot wait to see those pictures!

There is something about dancing that allows us to explore and create. It was a delight to see the freedom my boys felt as they slid, shimmied, stomp, and swayed to the beat. When we put down our armor and flow with the music, our souls revel in the joy of the moment.

The results are in

2009-09-07T21:58:00.000-06:00

I approached the weekend with limited voice and energy, but much attention to my own behavior to try to figure out this whole following directions mystery.

The first thing I noticed is that when I didn't have much voice, I had to make sure I had my children's full attention before giving them directions. (Big light bulb! How many times have I given that advice?!) I didn't have the option to holler up the stairs or even talk across the room, I had be next to them and have eye contact. At work I call that increasing proximity (love the fancy words) and model it all the time.

The next impression I had was that when my boys knew I wasn't feeling well, their empathy meters were in high gear. They were worried about me and a bit scared, so were really paying attention to what I was saying and needing. This level of vigilance is not advisable on a daily basis (it's called neurosis), so it is both positive and exasperating that they do not feel the need to hang on my every word every minute of every day.

My final bit of insight came from our dinner conversation this evening. When discussing a family outing we had this morning, my husband asked the boys why they did not stop a particular behavior when they had been asked to stop. They acknowledge hearing the direction and even recognizing that others were not enjoying their behavior. The insight came when they indicated that at the moment they were asked to stop, they were enjoying the behavior so much those other factors didn't really matter. Just what we've always suspected, but could never before prove!

So what have I learned from my weekend research? First, practice what I preach...have their full attention before saying anything I actually want them to hear and respond to. Second, remember that their little heads are full of thoughts and ideas that have nothing to do with me most of the time. Third, sometimes they are getting so much from their behavior that I need to be even more creative with my incentives to get them to stop.

It comes down to that relentless being present mantra. Being present with my words and actions, being present with their needs, and taking the time to assess the situation and respond in this moment, rather than having an automatic response that they automatically ignore anyway.

Some days I do this better than others. The good news is that I have plenty of opportunities to practice every day!

Parenting with a whisper

2009-09-05T21:35:00.000-06:00

It's amazing to me how sweet and cooperative my sons have been while I have had laryngitis. What voice I have sounds like a whisper and I'm using clapping, tapping, gestures, and sign language to communicate. They are being helpful and responsible, following directions, taking the initiative to get things done, and trying to take care of me.

Last year when I lost my voice they both told me they thought I was going to die. I assured them I wouldn't die from laryngitis, but I'm wondering if that was buzzing around in their heads as they became oh so helpful the last few days. "If we are nice enough to mama, maybe she'll get her voice back and she won't die."

I was with some dear friends last night when one of them posed the question, "Why do my kids stop when I say 'that's enough,' but not when I ask them to stop the two times before then." As I noticed this recent increase in compliance with my own children, I wondered the same. What is it that is different when we are sick or exasperated that gets them to stop? And how can we bottle that so it happens all the time? Are we doing something different or are they?

Perhaps our children are better at reading us than we think they are. Perhaps we don't deliver the first message with the same intent, therefore they perceive a bit of wiggle room. Maybe we aren't fully engage or attentive with the first request or directive. Maybe they tune in more when we are sending out different signals. Maybe I should do some research!

I'm going to attempt to observe myself over the next few days with my limited voice and as it fully recovers to see what I'm doing differently that they are interpreting in my tone or body language. My mini research project for the weekend.

Stayed tuned for the results...

Mama's voice

2009-09-03T18:04:00.000-06:00

So I have my annual back to school cold that is starting to drop down into my vocal chords and turn into laryngitis. This is the fourth year in a row this has happened and I am beginning to wonder what it is the universe is trying to tell me with this ailment. I have clearly not gotten it so far!

Is it about finding my voice, using my voice, not using my voice, listening to my inner voice, listening and not talking...the possibilities seem endless.

Goodness know my boys hear my voice enough, maybe too much! That's a vote for the listening more, talking less.

I've been searching for way to find and share my voice through writing, like this blog. Maybe that's it, more writing. I do enjoy sharing all the nutty adventures of my boys and the amazing insight with which they provide me and I hope you readers enjoy it, too.

I use my voice to teach yoga - lots of talking, but just started teaching a meditation class this week - no talking. Maybe that balance of talking/no talking is it.

The vocal chords are at the fifth chakra. "5th Chakra: Throat: Tied to creativity and communication.
Feels pressure when you are not communicating your emotions properly." (from http://www.crystalinks.com/chakras.html) That seems pretty interesting.

Lots to ponder as I begin my time of a quiet voice. At least my fingers can't get laryngitis and I can still write!

If you have any thoughts, please share. :)

Still a rookie mom

2009-09-02T21:15:00.000-06:00

I came across a book today called The Rookie Mom's Handbook. It is based on a blog by two moms who share ideas about things to do with your baby throughout the first year. As I pondered this very cute and entertaining guide, I began to wonder when we move on from being rookie moms?

When my oldest son was born everything that happened was new and I felt like I faced each day's challenges in a very mindful and present manner. I definitely knew I was a rookie mom. When my second son was born I realized that while I had the experiences from my first son, I couldn't do things exactly the same because he was a different child and had different needs. I found that when I would get frustrated I was often expecting my son to act or respond differently than he was. I wasn't being present in that moment, I was expecting it to be like some other moment I had experienced or wished for. I didn't always look like a rookie mom to others, but I was definitely a rookie at being a mom to my second son and a rookie at being a mom of two.

In some meditation traditions we are taught to practice staying in our beginner's mind. This concept helps us to keep ourselves in the present moment, rather than slipping into old patterns. If we are in our beginner's mind, all experiences are new and unique. We can be observant and make choices based on the current situation without dragging in all of our history. I think a rookie mom perspective is very much a beginner's mind perspective.

Even though my sons are nine and seven, I still feel like a rookie mom much of the time. They continue to grow and change and every day is full of new experiences. The days are also full of experiences that are very familiar like getting ready for school, eating meals, preparing for bed, etc. The challenge through those familiar tasks is to maintain that rookie mom or beginner's mind perspective. If I can do that and remain present in the current moment, I can respond to my children as they are right now in this moment with compassion. When I forget to "be here, now," I find myself much less compassionate and much more impatient.

Parenting is a practice, just as yoga and meditation are practices. We practice every day beginning where we are, listening to the messages our bodies (and our children) send us, and knowing that each time we practice we are a little bit different. Each day, each practice is different, even though much of it feels familiar. Be present. Be here, now. Breath by breath. Moment by moment. Just be.

Too Perfect

2009-08-27T20:53:00.000-06:00

I try to remember how important it is that our children know we make mistakes and that we aren't perfect. When they are teenagers this is no problem, we can't do anything right at that stage. :) When they are younger, though, we parents seem infallible and that can be pretty intimidating.

One evening my oldest son was lamenting about how he never does anything right and that he is always making mistakes. (He definitely inherited the perfectionist gene.) I gave him my line about expecting kids to make mistakes because that is how they learn and that everyone makes mistakes. This night he wasn't buying it and exclaimed that I never make mistakes. Overcoming the urge to burst into hysterical laughter, I thought to myself, "If he only knew." Then I realized he didn't know.

I asked him if he knew how many mistakes I had made that day. He replied, "None!" I proceeded to begin at my waking moments and list off every tiny little mistake I had made that day. Not getting out of bed right away, so I had to rush; not remembering if I put conditioner on my hair, so I had to redo it to make sure; forgetting my shoes upstairs; leaving my phone in the house, etc., etc. I went through the whole day describing all the small mistakes I had made and things I had forgotten. He was truly amazed and so was I!

We went on to talk about learning from those mistakes and taking steps to prevent them from happening again. We also focused on the importance of being gentle with ourselves when we do make mistakes. Calling ourselves names and expecting the worst only makes us feel worse. Learning from our mistakes, making changes, and apologizing when necessary help us to change those patterns.

It is critical for me to let my children know when I have made mistakes, to admit when I am wrong, and to apologize to them. They won't know how to do this if I don't show them and they'll continue to expect themselves to be perfect. High expectations are important, but the expectation of perfection can be destructive and paralyzing.

Many of us put on a really good show of having it all together and being perfect. It's easy to assume by just casually observing that we never make mistakes. I think we've learned to compensate and adjust, not making a big deal about our mistakes, and moving on.

My son and I came up with a little saying that we use now and again to remind us to be gentle with ourselves and others, "I am perfectly imperfect and that's perfectly fine." It helps on those hard days when nothing seems to be going right and is an important reminder to keep it all in perspective.

The Pace Car

2009-08-23T21:35:00.001-06:00

If I had to come up with my own metaphor, the pace car would not have been in my realm of thinking. It was, however, for my son. He told me the other day that I should call his brother the pace car. Having no idea what he was talking about I asked him why. He responded that his brother always wants everyone to follow him and that is what a pace car does. He hit the nail on the head with that one!

I was truly amazed by his insight and a bit concerned that his brother might find this insulting. We explored the topic a bit more and I realized this was the perfect metaphor for helping his brother to recognize a positive way to use his leadership skills. We noted that pace cars get everyone started and then move to the side so they can take responsibility for themselves. When someone is injured or in danger, the pace car comes back out to provide support. Then again, it moves to the side allowing the race to resume.

Later, I discussed this with big brother and he loved the idea. He felt it fit him and was thoughtful about the way a pace car allows the race to happen without having to manage everything. He happened to attend a birthday party yesterday and made sure to bring home a treat for each of us that was specific to who we are. When I noted that this was very thoughtful, he said, "That's what a pace car would do, wouldn't it?" I am hopeful this insightful metaphor will give him a more concrete image to hold onto as he navigates the ins and outs of his social world.

As I think about it more, parenting is much like being a pace car as well. Knowing when to lead and when to get out of the way is not always easy. Knowing we need to helps us to keep it in mind and hopefully recognize those revving engines signaling our time to pull aside.

The wisdom of children

2009-08-20T21:14:00.000-06:00

In difficult times I am frequently struck by the wisdom of my children. They are often more in tune with the connections of the universe than we adults and are more willing to listen to their instincts and intuition.

One of my sons frequently states that he is psychic. I'm not even sure how he learned the term, but he always uses it in the correct context. Most of the time he brings up the topic independently and has often funny and often profound things to say.

One morning he came into the bathroom with me as we were getting ready for the day and announced to me that he was psychic. When I explored what this meant to him, he found it difficult to explain. He couldn't pinpoint exact types of information he was psychic about, but had a general sense that sometimes he knows things before they happen or knows information other people don't.

He then proceeded to tell me that in my next life I was going to be a bird. I was quite surprised by this information and asked him what kind. Without hesitation he turned to me and said, "A whooping crane." It was so lovely and funny and unexpected. Imagining myself as a future whooping crane soaring over the plains of Colorado is a lovely image and telling the story always makes me laugh.

Tonight he amazed me again with his insight and connectedness. We were talking about my aunt, who is very ill in the hospital. It has been a difficult few days not knowing what all was wrong and how sick she really is. He asked me directly if she was going to die. We have had many conversations about death over the years and especially this summer with several deaths in our family. I always tell my children that we are all going to die sometime, that it is part of life, but we do not know when our time to die is.

In response to my son's query I responded with my usual preface about death and stated that I didn't know what was going to happen with my aunt. His earnest reply , "Mom, I just don't feel in my heart that this is her time to die."

Having felt so untethered myself for a few days, his response grounded me in a way nothing else could. I encouraged him to hold that feeling in his heart and I plan to do the same.

Later in the evening I received word that my aunt had become more engaged with the people around her today and active in decisions about her care. She seems to be turning the corner for now and my little psychic knew it all along.

Climb back up, Mama!

2009-08-17T22:02:00.000-06:00

We all have those days when we've reached the end of our rope and we think our bucket is empty. It's been tipped over, kicked in, and banged up beyond recognition and it seems all is lost for it's recovery. We think we got nothing left to give to anyone. We are sucked dry without an ounce of energy or kindness or love left to give. In these moments I always seem to hear the voice of Claire Huxtable saying, "I have nothing left to give!" with all the melodrama intact.

My tendency when I am so worn out is to be cranky...which is no fun for any of us. But if I take a moment to tell my children that I am exhausted and need help, they consistently rise to the occasion. They offer help, give me hugs, make sweet pictures, sing silly songs, tell jokes, or give me the few minutes of quiet or rest that I need. They fill my bucket with their kindness and wisdom, one drop at a time. Before I know it, I am once again able to function and get through whatever lies ahead. Their generosity and love constantly amazes me.

There is a quote I love by FDR - "When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." At the age of three my youngest son came up with his own version that always brings a smile to my face and lightens my load. I was exasperated one afternoon and I complained, "I'm at the end of my rope!" My sweet boy responded earnestly, "Climb back up, Mama, climb back up!" The wisdom of a three year old. Phenomenal!

If we can all remember to climb back up (or at the very least hang on and ask for help) when we reach the end of our rope, we can make it through even the darkest days with the love of our children guiding us on.

Dancing boys make my day

2009-08-14T17:48:00.000-06:00

As our mundane morning routine was coming to an end today, my oldest son decided to show me his "favorite dance move." It resembled MC Hammer back in the day and gave me a good chuckle. Not to be outdone, son number two joined in the hip hop fest with his latest smooth moves. Then the real fun began...

(When I'm off teaching yoga on Tuesday nights, the boys have been enjoying America's Got Talent with Dad. Apparently, this is the inspiration for what I witnessed next.)

The boys began an improvised, synchronized dance routine. They slide across the floor, twisted, spun, engaged in robotic movements, and channeled the Temptations and the Jackson Five as they found their funk and rhythm. As I watched them my grin kept growing and the giggles from all of us filled the house.

After great applause for their effort, we laughed and hugged together and headed off for the rest of the day. So glad they didn't have to rush off to school yet because I might just have forgotten to enjoy the moment and swept them off to get ready. The image of their dancing kept me going through a cranky day at work.

Be here, now...this is always part of my yoga teaching. Just as salient, if not more so, in my parenting.

Starting them off with enthusiasm

2009-08-13T23:01:00.000-06:00

I had the pleasure today of witnessing a rite of passage for many young preschoolers. They came in with their parents to meet their teachers, see their new classrooms, and begin their journey into the world of education. Parents and students alike took in all the sights and sounds of the school building, their eyes wide with wonder: classrooms full of blocks, books, sensory tables, crayons, paints, and more; hallways decorated with beautiful colors and pictures; the playground with hopscotch, climbing equipment, and slides; and all the other children and adults joining them on this day of adventure.

The parents I saw were eager to start their children off on the right foot. They were engaged, caring, and enthusiastic about this new experience for their child. Parents reading with their children, joining in the bead games and sensory table activities, touring their school with the hope of the future.

In turn the teachers met these families with excitement and a sense of opportunity. Greeting families, engaging children, and creating a supportive and positive learning environment.

A child's first experience in school can make all the difference in their success in school. That experience is guided by their parents and teachers who offer support, compassion, and enthusiasm. These little preschoolers are our future. May we guide them everyday with wisdom and respect I witnessed today.

I don't want to grow up!

2009-08-13T22:29:00.000-06:00

Seven is a tricky age. Your still considered a "little kid", but you can do many things the "big kids" can do. It's fun to get adult attention and snuggle up like you did when you were littler, but you don't want mom or dad doing it all for you all the time!

What is a parent to do?

Staying tuned in to the needs of the moment is a huge key to navigating the tricky nature of seven year olds. Offering choices, independent options, scaffolding tasks to support the skills they have and teach the skills they need, being flexible, listening, watching, and keeping our own egos out of the mix leads to much greater success.

But what parent can do all that all the time when juggling siblings, laundry, dinner, dirty bathrooms, work, and everything else on your plate? None of us really. That's why I try to think of parenting as a practice. I will never achieve perfection, although I hope to experience (and notice) many perfect moments. I strive each day to be the best parent I can be and to support my children in being the best they can be. No day is every the same and there are always many mistakes along the way. Staying present and being gentle with myself (not always achieved) and gentle with my children (also not always achieved) are my goals each day.

What was your perfect parenting moment today? Recognize it, honor it, and carry it with you as you continue on your journey.